Too Late
by Aikiri
Summary: Shounen-ai, KxH - Hiei muses about Kurama's confession and watches as his friend sinks into a deep, yet unobvious depression. The fire youkai believes that the fox can recover from the emotional injury, but can he?


-Too Late - Kiriska - 10.05.02 - Edited: 11.16.02 -  
  
Kiriska: My first YYH fic, and the first shounen-ai I've written in a long, long, long, long, time. I really hope someone will read this, but I know the YYH audience is pretty small right now...Other things I'd like to say; I've only seen eps 1-21 of YYH really. The rest of the series I've only read a few summaries from. Most of my information I've obtained from other fanfics and doujinshi. So some things may be inaccurate.  
  
For a picture I did that goes [sorta] with this story. Go to http://aurora- b.cjb.net/Kurama-TL.gif  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Too Late By: Kiriska  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I do not understand you. I did not know you had become that soft. I had not expected it at all. I had been unprepared. I had been caught off guard. And so I told you the first thing that came to my mind. You did not say anything at first, and then I saw your eyes well up with tears. How could you have become so weak? There was nothing that could harm the ruthless youko, nothing that would upset you, hurt you. No one had ever seen Kurama shed a tear. No one had ever seen Shuuichi cry. Why did I have to be the one to watch?  
  
I left you there. I was confused. I did not know if I could be as close to you as I had been. With your confession my views of you changed. Now I knew how you looked at me, and somehow I found it discomforting. I do not dislike you, but I certainly did not feel for you as you say you do for me. I have a hard time believing you anyway. The youko had been known to lie, so there was a perfectly good chance that you could have been lying. You've taken so many as your lover as the notorious fox, you could easily be lying. But Shuuichi did not lie. I do not know what to think.  
  
A few weeks pass and I have not visited. Now I perch a few blocks down from your home and watch. You are walking home from your ningen school. A pack of ningen females trail you, yet you do not seem to be acknowledging their presence. I cock my head and study you closely; your walk was not your normal walk. It was not the calm and confident stroll of the kitsune. I had heard of ningen heartache; I did not believe that those feelings could have such a huge effect on people. So I do not think much of it, it was only your way of walking after all. It was not a big change.  
  
But as time went on I noticed more changes. I continue to avoid you, and you do not attempt to speak to me when we are at meetings of the Reikai Tantei. You are hiding from Urameshi and the fool, but you cannot hide from me. I have known you too long to not notice. You don't speak up as often anymore. You are quieter, more reserved, your eyes seemed to have faded to a duller green, the bright emerald was not there. Still, I believed you would recover. You always recovered from whatever wounds you had obtained, how is this any different? I do not understand how my rejection could have effected you so much.  
  
One night, a couple of months after your confession, I landed in the tree outside your bedroom for no particular reason. I did not know why I was there; I sat hidden in the thick canopy, watching you. You were doing your homework, slumped over your desk working hard. Papers were piled high on your desk. Yet you did not seem to be concentrating. You seemed distracted, unfocused. I studied you silently as a tear rolled down your cheek. Are you still crying? Why? Because of me? Did you really care for me so much you needed to shed tears over it? Why was I worth so much to you? I don't understand.  
  
Your tears flow faster, they trickle down your chin and splash on your work. I don't understand you, fox. How could one so strong crumble because of something so worthless? Love is it? There was no point in such a feeling. A few word I uttered that night, why have you changed so much? Was it really because of me? Or was it something else? If it is the first...how could that simple rejection have affected you so much? How?  
  
More time passes. Your battles are becoming more careless. You are thinking less before you attack. This change surprised me the most out of everything so far. You have always been so cautious, warning the rest of us of possible hidden dangers. Yet now, you are charging into fights without thought, making stupid mistakes and so on. Why? Has even the youko inside you been affected by me? Your nautral, instinctive reflexes slow, you're becoming weaker physically as well as mentally. Why?  
  
Your changes are becoming more evident now. Even Yusuke and the dumbass have begun to notice. You speak less and less with each passing day, and have become more irritable and grouchy. You often snap out with the slightest provoking. You don't even look at me anymore. What's wrong with you? How could you have succumbed so such feelings and how could have let them change you so much? I felt vaguely angry; you were being stupid because of these of stupid feelings. It doesn't make sense.  
  
Am I becoming worried about you? Is that why I had been so surprised when your mother started to note your changes? I knew you would do anything for your ningen parent. You had almost died for her, you would do anything to keep her happy, you are her perfect son. But no longer? You are sometimes cold to Shiroi as well. You ignore her caring worries and snap to her that you are fine. It doesn't make sense. If you loved anyone it was your mother, and she at least loved you back, so why are you changing towards her because of me? I can't figure out your reasoning.  
  
So does this confirm that I am worried about you? Have I given in to the pathetic and weak ningen feelings now as well? But...so what if I was a little concerned about you? You are an ally after all; you are a comrade and companion in parole. You are the only person I had become close to. But...we weren't so close anymore were we? I don't remember having had a real conversation with you since your confession. We only spoke when we had to on missions and meetings. A nod here, a word there. But you never look me in the eye anymore, if I try, you turn away. We've come apart.  
  
Today we had a fierce battle. The demon we fought against was very powerful. And I been delivered a wound that would have proved fatal...had you not intervened. According to Urameshi, after the youkai had been defeated, you immediately came to my fallen body and transferred your life energy to me. Of course you passed out in the process and risked killing yourself as well. Why did you do that? Remember once upon a time when you yourself told Yusuke it was stupid to give your life energy to the injured? You may have been risking your life for no reason. So why did you do it? Fool.  
  
I don't understand at all. But, I suppose I am grateful that I am alive. And I hope you recovered all right from giving up so much of your ki. I'm worried about you. But that did not mean I loved you. You are just a friend and ally...that is all. Your health affected mine. If you fall ill then that is one less member of the Reikai Tantei and our missions will become more difficult. I do not love you,... I will not become as weak as you have become. I refuse to give into this ningen stupidity.  
  
Yusuke questioned me about you. He asked me why you were becoming so withdrawn, and why you never really speak to anyone anymore. He asked me why you had become so irritable and unapproachable. What could I tell him? That you loved me and I did not love you and that you seemed to have broken apart because of that? I could not tell him that. So I told him nothing. I told him I knew nothing. He did not believe me, naturally. He asked why you had risked your life to save mine when you seemed so apathetic to everyone else. I had decided to leave without answering him.  
  
I assume you are acting the way you do now because of my rejection. But that may not even be the reason. Is my assumption selfish? That did not make sense. I did not hold much pride in myself. I had no other ideas of why you would have changed so. If I told you I loved you would you stop being such a fool? You'd be able to spot my lie. But I won't. I still believe that you can pull through this yourself. You had been strong once...you can be strong again. You are Youko Kurama, you cannot be defeated by such a idiotic matter.  
  
Your condition continues to worsen. You are now neglecting your appearance, which is almost as devastating as your cold attitude towards your mother. Your rose scented hair looses its fragrant, and it's shine. It has becomes mangled and coarse. Loose and split ends stick out here and there giving your locks the look of a dirty rat. What the hell has happened to you? You held so much pride in your hair. The youko's fur is the finest in all the Makai. Why have abandoned it?  
  
You have begun to take your youko form in battle now, even if it was not at all nessicary. You shift as soon as we head out on a mission. You're always the one going for the kill now; you're fighting as your merciless youko self...it seems to me that in the fight you've become much more cruel. What did I do to Shuuichi? When against those weaker than yourself, you kill them without hesitation. When up against those equal to you, you fight carelessly and thoughtlessly. When against those stronger than you...you seem to not care if you lived or died. Have you become suicidal!? Have you gone insane with this weakness?  
  
More astonishing news about your behavior. Shiroi reports that you've been drinking. Heavily. She's worried about you; she says you come home late some nights smelling of alcohol. What's happening to you? I know what had thought of alcohol. You had thought it was a stupid invention and that you couldn't believe people were stupid enough to drink the substance as it distorted their minds and made them do foolish things. You are the last person I would have dreamed to become an alcoholic. But you have. Why?  
  
Your flower perfume has been replaced completely by the stench of beer and sake. Urameshi is questioning you now, asking why you've started drinking. Asking why you've changed so much. Asking for the reason. You do not tell him. Instead, you growl at him to mind his own business. When he presses, you attack him. What are you thinking?! You are still on parole! What will become of you if you are kicked from the Reikai Tantei?!  
  
Maybe you realized that, because you stopp after a few blows then leave the scene. Yusuke was too shocked and did not have a chance to follow. But I did. You do not notice me, even though you should have. So careless. You go straight to a convenient store and buy a six-pack of beer. I watch you from my perch atop buildings and hidden in trees. I can't believe you're doing this. What happened to all of your sense? Why the hell are you drinking!?  
  
You sit at the corner of a street and down a can of the liquid within minutes, then immediately move on to the next can. The six canisters were finished in no time. I need to talk to you. I leapt from my perch a land before you, my face rigid with anger. Your expression matches mine, but your eyes are not focused. You are probably drunk already. Your mind poisoned with that ningen love as well as the alcohol. What's happening to you?  
  
"What do you want, Hiei?" you demand. This is the first time in over a year that we've spoken to each other upon free will..."What's wrong with you, Kurama?" I ask you. "What the hell do you mean what's wrong with me?" your voice is annoyed, frustrated. "Why are you drinking? Why are you ignoring everyone? Why have you become so careless?" I growl. "None of your business." you say gruffly. "It is my business." Why are you avoiding this? "Are you still upset over me? Is that it?" Answer me....answer me, damnit! Your eyes widen briefly, then you turn away. I remain silent, waiting for a response.  
  
You pull a seed from your tangled hair and throw it to the ground. A plant grows almost spontaneously and holds me in my place. And you escape. I kill your plant, but not in time to catch up with you. Damnit. It is me that was changing you. That just proves it. What am I supposed to do now? I turn around suddenly; Yusuke was behind me. I had been too distracted to notice him come up behind me. He asks me about our conversation. He asks about what I meant when I asked you if you were upset over me. I hissed that it was nothing and flitted out of sight. Damn you, Kurama.  
  
Your alcohol problem steadily gets worse. You starting to become addicted. I don't ever see you without a bottle of sake anymore. Everyone is probing you for answers, but you give them none. Urameshi has bothered me a few times, but eventually gave up on it. In battle you are a fighting drunk. Your injuries from one fight exceed all the wounds you've gotten over a course of a hundred years before. It is ridiculous. You've put your notorious name to shame. The Great Youko Kurama is a careless, disoriented drunk.  
  
One evening at a meeting at Genkai's temple, you began raving like a madman. You were obviously drunk, dead drunk, but no one expected to hear what you had to say, including myself. No one could have guessed that you had so much to say. As you waved your half-empty bottle in the air, everyone else fell silent and listened. "Hiei...how could you do this to me? Don't you know I love you? I love you more than anything...I would die for you without a second thought...How could you do this to me?! No...but it is not your fault. It can never be your fault... I cannot blame you. I am the fool. The fool to have admited my feelings for you...a fool...a lovesick fool...if I hadn't told you...we at least still could have been friends...how could I have ever believed you would love me? You are not weak...you are not a weak fool like me...the baka kitsune... You wouldn't have given in to these fucking feelings! Hiei... Hiei,...I..."  
  
That is where you collapsed unconscious on the floor, the empty bottle clattered loudly on the floor. And everyone directed their gaze to me, their eyes wide and shocked. Yusuke, Kuwabara, Genkai, Botan, and Yukina, all of them stared at me. I have never blushed before. Never really felt embarrassed before. But I turned red, transferred my gaze elsewhere, and darted out of the temple. Kurama...you are a fool, how could you have let your stupid feelings change you so much? I don't love you, move on. Move on! I don't love you! Or do I? Why else would I have worried about you so much? Why else would I be so bothered by this? No! I did not love you... I refuse to love you! You were only a friend. Nothing more! Nothing more... My only friend.  
  
When you regained consciousness you did not seem to have remembered your rant, and no one dared bring it up. But Yusuke and Kuwabara were now giving the both of us strange looks. All of our conversations were solely business now. But business was so closely interlinked with this situation.... You've become beyond careless with the stronger demons, and utterly murderous with the weaker ones. You seem to be taking out an uncontainable anger every time you fight. You stay in your youko form a lot now, at Genkai's temple, even when there is not a mission to attend to. Koenma has gotten on your case. He has relayed that it was idiotic to shift to youko unless absolutely nessicary. Because if you are killed as Shuuichi, you will be reborn as Kurama. But if you die as the youko. You will be gone. Forever. You aren't taking advantage of your second life. Rather, you are throwing both away.  
  
You've dropped out of school. Something your mother was devastated at. Her perfect son, whom could do no wrong, has done everything that he shouldn'tve. Your attitude is foul. Your drinking problem is atrocious. You are no longer Shuuichi...or Kurama. Because Kurama would have never been so stupid. Kurama the cunning and malnipulative youko would have never gone mad like you have. Who are you then? If not the fox or the ningen? Who are you? And what have you done with them?  
  
A hideous battle today. The youkai was strong, very strong. It was one of those enemies that took all four of us to defeat. Both Yusuke and Kuwabara were injured significantly, on the verge of consciousness. I had already released Kokuryuuha and was very drained of power. The demon was weakening as well though. He took aim at me; the blast would have probably struck me unconscious had it hit me. But it did not; it hit you instead. You fell in a heap on the ground and used your remaining youki to send a blast at the demon. I finished him off. And carried all three of you back to the temple.  
  
Although Urameshi and the fool were injured about the same as you physically, your youki was completely gone and it would take a while for you to recover. The others woke long before you. Yukina healed our wounds, but still you slept. And I watched you sleep. You were sweating heavily and your breath was short. What's wrong? It was confirmed that you had come down with fever. In your youko form? How did that happen? You were much stronger as the youko... And you've caught some stupid ningen sickness? Was it normal for even a friend to worry this much? Or did I really feel something more for you? No...That couldn't be it....couldn't be.  
  
Your face is flushed and warm, the sickness is as plain as day now. Yusuke enters the room, a concerned and questioning expression is on his face. He says nothing and I ignore him. After a while he sighs and leaves the room. You spend the night at the temple, unable to return home as youko. The next morning you regain consciousness, but your apathetic attitude seemed to have shrunk back. You seem depressed.  
  
Time moves on. You are still alcoholic, and you still ignore people, but you only do that, you don't snap at people anymore. Except in battle. You spend your days in the woods as youko, worrying your ningen mother to death. What's the hell's wrong with you? It's been almost two years now. Why haven't you recovered? Why? Why did you let your feelings eat at your spirit and soul? Why did you let it take away everything that had made you who you were. Why did I mean so much to you? WHY?  
  
"I'm not strong enough, Hiei. I'm not strong enough to go on. Gomen nasai, ai shiteru." You spoke to me today, before we took off to a mission. What do you mean? What do you plan to do...? You did not let me reply to your comment, though, you took off towards the direction of our target. And I followed you, leaving the two ningens behind. I kept pace with you easily, and you knew I could. Why do you even try to run? What are you trying to do? What did you mean? What do you mean you're not strong enough...? Surely you don't...  
  
We find the youkai we are going after. Yusuke and Kuwabara are a long ways behind and it would be a while before they arrived. You fight the demon, purposely taunting it and egging it to attack you. But you fight carelessly; you let the creature strike you when you could have easily dodged its attack. I get frustrated with watching you and kill the demon myself. You glare at me. I glare at you.  
  
"What are you trying to do Kurama?" I ask you. You turn away briefly, and I am afraid you will take off again, but you turn back to me. "I'm sorry, itooshi...I'm sorry." I can see tears beginning to flow down your cheek. I don't want to see you cry. Don't cry... "Kurama..." You hold your right hand out, and a soft golden glow envelops your palm. A single seed appears. I recognize it. It is the seed to a plant that, a plant that kills it's host. A plant that injects an incurable, fast-killing disease into it's host.  
  
"What are you doing?!" I demand, but I knew...I knew.... Why were you doing this? Why am I caring so much? At the time at which we met, I would not have given a flyin' fuck if you went and killed yourself, but now...now...did I...? You plant the seed on yourself as I rush to your side -- too late to stop you from inserting the killer onto yourself. "What have you done?! Why!? Kurama..." You smile weakly at me as you fall down to your knees, the effects of the plant already taking place. Tiny vines sprout from the seed and burrow benethe your skin. They clutch tightly at your heart. "G-Gomen...gomen nasai...Hiei...ai shiteru....Hiei..." your voice grows weak. "Kurama, you fool! I--" I am surprised to feel tears well up in my own eyes. I'm surprised I recognize the wetness as tears.  
  
"Kurama...I---" "Hiei..." A tear gem thuds on the ground beside us. "Kurama...I think...that...I think that I..." You let a groan of pain escape your lips. Your eyes begin to close as you whisper your last words; "Ai shiteru." "I love you, too." my own words came just as your eyes shut. My realization has come too late. It took me two years to realize that I did,...that I did return your feelings. It took me too long. I was so stupid. I was too naive. I was too foolish. Too determined to remain strong. I was too late. Too late. Too late to save you. Too late.... Your body lays limp in my arms. Your heart has been evaded by the deadly vines of your own plant. Too late.... Too late..... "KURAMA!!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Kiriska: *sniffle* Sorry. Maybe I should have warned you. But if I did you might've read it. u_u; Well, I dunno, maybe I'm just a twisted person but I love deathfics and tragedies, they're my favorite romances. We can't have happy endings all the time. Please email me comments, scythe_of_shinigami@hotmail.com I need them....  
  
Yu Yu Hakusho (c) Yoshihiro Togashi  
  
Text (c) Kiriska 


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